October 12, 2020
It would be a mistake to interpret or characterize this condition as ‘dissatisfaction in my life’. I am not dissatisfied with my life. Full stop. In the early days I claimed that a certain amount of dissatisfaction was constructive. Without some dissatisfaction we would never change or evolve, or so I believed. It is completely possible, and far more constructive, or so I now believe, to hold both, deep appreciation for and satisfaction with the present, together with an impulse for something beyond.
I love my life, as it is. AND I also feel a strong urge, one could even say a calling for something. Something overlooked perhaps. Something unrecognized. Something emerging, still unseen but not unheard. Something that wants to be.
It would also be a misinterpretation to characterize this query as resistance to who I am and what I’m here for. I love and find good company in what I know of who I am and what I’m here for. AND I don’t fully know it well enough to notice if something is being ignored, or dismissed, or not possessed. Maybe a better way to say it is, I don’t know her well enough to always recognize her and what she’s here for.
How do you remember who you are? I’ve asked, what do I love; what do I value; what inspires me; what do I aspire to; what matters; for the sake of what do I live my life. I’ve stepped out onto each of these fronts testing for firm ground. Never enough to find real purchase.
I tried to narrow the scope to a singular, clearly identifiable ‘who and what’, like an elevator pitch. What I see lately is that there are many aspects, a kaleidoscope of this and that, instead of this or that. My learned narrative seems full of contradictions, confusing.
I think of the contrasting stories of a condor and a peacock.
Condor: Magnificent freedom of flying, soaring, riding the currents of the air stream, that sense of nearness to the Divine, seamless communion with the infinite.
Peacock: Magnificent radiance, a beauty that holds as sacred the signature of Origin; completely present to each moment being born into material form, allowing, trusting its intrinsic peace.
Holding these two creatures as polar is also a misrepresentation. Rather, hold them as co-existent, living the principle of mutuality/unity, without covet or resentment, the completeness of a vividly lived experience.
This requires a complete change in perception. I must release what I’ve held, and seeing freshly, recognize the underlying desire, then earnestly look toward that direction. The promise of knowing who I am and what I’m here for lies in this new direction. Answer the call with rigor and discipline, love what I love, take full agency in that, and surrender to the peace of that, a peace which is both the source and the consequence of this agency, remembering, reaching, and returning to it.
Spark of Mind 